The Worst Insane FF Fanfic Ever
by Diathorn
Summary: Cas has come up with another story. A look into Final Fantasy characters being drunk and hitting on each other. Read to find out what that means.
1. Default Chapter

Hi again. Cas here. A interesting question came up while I was wasted from drinking root beer. It was "What pickup lines do Final Fantasy characters use?" So, to answer that all important question, I used my vast powers to get quite a few characters in one bar and supplied the first three dozen rounds of booze. They all (well, almost all) took me up on it. Things went downhill from there. I fixed the slurring so everything comes out crystal clear on your end, whether or not that's a good thing is beyond me. Also, for some reason, a lot of them lost their memories. I guess beer does kill brain cells. *Takes a swig of root beer* So the nightingales are eating your lawn Mr. Hippo? Bats fire sidewalk my tree book appendectomy on Thursday. Ownership of Final Fantasy is owned by Squaresoft. Let's get this on.  
  
The Worst Insane Final Fantasy Fanfic Ever  
  
Cloud stumbles to the bar where Scarlet is on her twelfth martini.  
  
Cloud: Hey Scarlet? Wanna see MY Mako Cannon?  
  
Scarlet: That's the worst pickup line I ever heard.  
  
Cloud: Gimme a minute, I'll think of another one.  
  
Yuffie and Vincent are sitting at a table, Selphie and Irvine are at the next one. Yuffie and Selphie are currently wasted, while Vincent is sitting with his untouched drink in front of him. Irvine is comatose and should probably receive medical attention.  
  
Selphie: That's the problem with snipers. They think they only need to have one good shot. I can't get Irvy here to budge the next day.  
  
Yuffie: Not like my Vince. He's a real animal.  
  
Selphie: Why aren't you like that you jerk?  
  
Selphie hits Irvine in the shoulder. Irvine falls to the floor.  
  
Vincent: I think you should him onto his side. He might die if he swallows his tongue.  
  
Yuffie: (Cracks up) He said 'swallow.' I love you Vincent. And your brothers are real handsome.  
  
Squall and Seifer are crowding Rinoa at a back table.  
  
Seifer: Why'd you hook up with a loser like him? I got a bigger gunblade.  
  
Squall: So? I've got more bang for your buck.  
  
Rinoa: Sorry Seifer, but Squall's right. Let's just be friends.  
  
Seifer: No!  
  
Cait Sith: Hey baby! Wanna see my Mog Dance?  
  
Random Girl#1: Gross! I'm being hit on by a stuffed animal.  
  
Cait Sith: You'd better believe I'm stuffed.  
  
Random Girl#2: I told you never to go to a bar on Ladies night.  
  
Random Girl#1: What about that guy? He looks nice. And rich.  
  
Reeve: Hello ladies.  
  
Vincent (who is sitting next to Reeve): Why do you do that every time with Cait Sith?  
  
Reeve: Because it makes me look real good in comparison.  
  
Cloud has now given up on Scarlet and has made his way further down the bar to Aeris and Tifa.  
  
Cloud: Wanna see my Buster Sword?  
  
Aeris: I've seen bigger.  
  
Tifa: Buzz off. I'm a master of drunken boxing. So leave before I make you my bitch.  
  
Red XIII: She will.  
  
Aeris: Aww, what's new pussycat?  
  
Tifa: Don't you hate those kinds of guys? The whole "I got a big sword" routine. The damn bastards just cut and run.  
  
Aeris: I know. One guy I know just put his sword in me and afterwards left me for dead.  
  
Sephiroth: Want to see the Masamune I keep in my pants?  
  
Aeris: Speak of the devil. Your too late, Cloud tried that one already.  
  
Sephiroth: Did it work?  
  
Tifa: No.  
  
Sephiroth: Damn. Cloud, you stole my pickup line.  
  
Cloud: You hit on my girl. I'll Omnislash your ass. Just as soon as I pick up my sword.  
  
Sephiroth: Same here.  
  
Tifa: Even when their in the mood they still can't unsheathe their swords.  
  
Aeris: Hey Tifa, the bald guy is giving you the eye.  
  
Tifa: Hope it doesn't belong to anyone I know. What the hell do you want?  
  
Rude: "..."  
  
Tifa: I said, what the hell you want?  
  
Rude: "..."  
  
Tifa: Wanna fight?  
  
Rude: ... (shrugs)  
  
Tifa and Rude get up and try to hit each other. Eventually they try body blows, with their bodies. Eventually they stop even that.  
  
Aeris: Is that drunken boxing? Shouldn't they be trying to hit each other?  
  
Red XIII: Maybe it's drunken wrestling.  
  
Aeris: They don't seem to be wrestling right now.  
  
Red XIII: It don't think they're fighting anymore.  
  
Aeris: Yeah, kiss and make up Tifa! You can stop now. Ah damn. I lost my drinking buddy.  
  
Cloud: (to Sephiroth) I love you man.  
  
Sephiroth: I love you too.  
  
Aeris: Get a room you two.  
  
Cloud: I got one already. Aeris! See you at ten thirty. Room 78. Tifa?  
  
Cloud looks over to were Tifa is *Cough* "preoccupied."  
  
Cloud: There goes my twelve fifteen. Hey Sephiroth? Doing anything after midnight?  
  
Quistis is standing around, trying to ignore each and every drunk who tries a line on her.  
  
Irvine (who now has recovered from an overdose): How you doing?  
  
Quistis: Get lost you gay cowboy before I wake Selphie up.  
  
Irvine: Gotta go.  
  
Zidane: Wanna come to my place and hang around?  
  
Quistis: I don't date outside my level of evolution.  
  
Garnet: Zidane? (Smacks him with her rod) Sorry, I need to train my monkey better.  
  
Quistis: I'll say.  
  
Edgar (From FF VI): Join me in my room for a shag?  
  
Quistis: A "shag?"  
  
Edgar: It's all up to you baby. We can shag now or we can shag later.  
  
Quistis (pulls out whip): I don't think so. *Whipcrack*  
  
Edgar: Didn't know you where into that sort of thing.  
  
Cas: Oh, kinky.  
  
Quistus: Why do I have to deal with this?  
  
Cas: Could be worse. Look at Cait Sith.  
  
At Cait Sith's table.  
  
Cait Sith: What the hell?  
  
Quina: Quina like fat Mog with cat on head.  
  
Cait Sith: The Mog's a stuffed toy.  
  
Quina: Quina can see it stuffed.  
  
Freya: Wanna dance?  
  
Kimahri: Sure.  
  
They both get up and go to the dance floor. Freya starts dancing.  
  
Kimahri: I love Riverdance!  
  
Freya: Cool! You're my lord of the dance.  
  
I sincerely apologize to anyone who reads this story. Cas is out of his bloody little mind and should be locked up. This is what happens when people with extra-dimensional powers get drunk. So, if you can alter the universe on a whim, lay off the booze.  
  
Cas: It's only root beer.  
  
Diathorn: Drunk is a state of mind.  
  
Cas: And how.  
  
Diathorn: I'd ask for you to review after reading this travesty, but maybe its better left not said.  
  
I'd like to urge everyone who does read this story to go to Newgrounds.com and look for FF Tribute-Chocobo Mix, a.k.a. Robo Chocobo Voice, by Legendary Frog, from whom I got the idea about Quistis. I hope I don't get sued. 


	2. The Morning After

Cas got inspired to write a second chapter. It won't go any further than this I'm afraid. I won't allow it. Neither I nor Cas own any Final Fantasy characters. And at this rate, we never will.  
  
Ch. 2 The Morning After  
  
Cloud (sitting up): Where am I? Ow, head. Too much beer. What the hell happened?  
  
Aeris: Shut up! Too loud.  
  
Cloud: Oh yeah. My ten thirty.  
  
Sephiroth: God damn hangovers. You guys are too loud.  
  
Cloud: What the hell are you doing in my bed?  
  
Sephiroth: Twelve fifteen.  
  
Cloud: Oh yeah.  
  
Tifa: Shut up. You'd think someone who works in a bar would know better than to go on a drinking binge.  
  
Cloud: What are you doing here?  
  
Sephiroth: I thought you said "bring a friend."  
  
Cloud: I did not.  
  
Squall: Quiet! We're trying to sleep.  
  
Cloud: We're?  
  
Rinoa: God my head.  
  
Seifer: Not in my ear.  
  
Door opens and closes.  
  
Cloud: Whose there?  
  
Cas: It's just me. Its time for you mid-evening wakeup.  
  
Aeris: Evening already? Now I'll never get to sleep.  
  
Cas: Well the bar is open.  
  
Tifa: Not this again.  
  
Irvine: Its too bright. Someone shut off the lights.  
  
Cloud: The lights are off.  
  
Selphie: Cas, turn off the flashlight.  
  
Cas: Couldn't resist.  
  
Cloud: Why the hell are all of you in my room?  
  
Red XIII: Didn't you say "bring a friend?"  
  
Cloud: Who in God's name said that? I know I didn't.  
  
Tifa: Cas did it!  
  
Sephiroth: Not so loud.  
  
Cas: I didn't say that.  
  
Selphie: Why should we believe you?  
  
Cas: I'm standing next to the light switch.  
  
All: No, we surrender!  
  
Irvine: So who isn't in here?  
  
In Yuffie's room.  
  
Yuffie: What a hangover. (Looks over to Vincent right next to her) AHHHHHHH! You $%$&*ing pervert!  
  
Vincent suddenly finds himself being thrown through the hotel window. Yuffie proceeds to then throw the lamp, the side table, the mini-bar, the complete dinette set, the TV, the couch, and the entire bed out the window after him.  
  
Back in Cloud's room.  
  
Cloud: What was that crashing?  
  
Cas: Yuffie waking up.  
  
Cloud: Where's Reeve?  
  
Outside in a tree.  
  
Reeve: Hey Vincent! Think you could help me?  
  
Vincent (muffled): No. I seem to be under a hotel room's furniture. Why?  
  
Reeve: Those two girls found out about Cait Sith. They tied me up with string and stuck me in this tree.  
  
Vincent (still muffled): Why the hell did you let them tie you up in the first place?  
  
Reeve: I thought they were just being kinky. Could you say no to two cute girls?  
  
Vincent (slightly less muffled): Yes.  
  
Quistis: I love blackmail Polaroids. Say cheese!  
  
Reeve: Oh crap.  
  
Quistis: Cute butt.  
  
Vincent (No longer muffled): I take her to her room, she drags me into her bed, and I do absolutely nothing. It doesn't pay to be a nice guy anymore. You killed chivalry! You hear that Yuffie!  
  
Yuffie: I heard! And you forgot the remote! (chucks remote)  
  
Vincent: Oww. I don't deserve this!  
  
Back at Cloud's room again.  
  
Cloud: So who isn't here?  
  
Cas: Zidane and Garnet are down the hall. I have no idea where Kimahri and Freya are. Yuffie's in her room, Vincent was in her room, and Reeve is outside with Quistis taking pictures.  
  
Aeris: What about the rest?  
  
Cas: You don't want to know.  
  
Quina: Quina have fun! Want to do again!  
  
Hello, it's me Cas. I decided to write this chapter to show that actions have consequences. Don't just think you can drink enough alcohol to have you wind up in the hospital and expect good things to happen. I mean, look at what happened to (almost) everyone. So if you want to avoid the unpleasant sensation of waking up with a hangover and someone else (or many people using the excuse "Didn't you say 'bring a friend'") in bed with you or the severe and disturbing questions that arise when that person (or one of those people) is Quina Quen, I suggest you lay off the booze. Drugs too. Unless a doctor with a real diploma gives you some. Unless he's crooked or he can give prescriptions for medical marijuana. I'll check the diploma next time.  
  
Diathorn: Inspiring words from Cas. I never thought anyone would review to this. But someone did and look at what happened. Until the next disaster Cas brings about, goodbye. 


End file.
